This morning I ran the long-awaited Krispy Kreme Challenge in Raleigh, and there was good news and bad news to be had…

The good news: I’m definitely building some speed and my legs feel really good. The bad news: I have absolutely no future in competitive eating, at least in the baked-goods division.

Over 3000 fellow knuckleheads lined up with me at the NC State’s Belltower and the horn went off on time at 9am….here’s how it went down:

Mile 1: 7:01 pace. Nice! The crowded start was offset by a nice gradual downhill, which I took full advantage of…knee felt great, running hard but not killing myself by any means. Started passing lots of frat boys who went out too fast by the end of the first mile….always a good thing.

Mile 2: 7:05 pace. Leveled off, started breathing a bit hard, but hanging in nicely. These are the fastest two miles I’ve run in quite some time….hey…I guess I could call this a speed workout…..cool.

Mile 2.25: 8:00 pace. HEY, WTF!!?? It’s supposed to be only two miles to the Krispy Kreme….what’s with this extra quarter mile bullshit….oh well, bunch of college students, whadda they know?

Donuts 1-7: Shoved ‘em down fast and furiously!! Already saw dudes handing in their empty boxes and heading back after the my first donut….damn college kids! My gloves and face quickly became a sticky mess of glazed sugar, sweat and spit. Nasty.

Donut 8: OH SHIT! SUGAR IS KICKING IN! Within seconds, my body realizes what I’m trying to do to it, and I’m shaking and feeling like I’m gonna puke. Go find some water. Try not to look around, as others are already starting to yack, right and left. This is gonna be bad….

Donuts 9-12: The most indescribable torture I’ve endured since watching this video:

Sorry, couldn’t resist. Seriously, what I anticipated as a 10 minute face-stuff, turned into a 28 minute sugar bad-trip. My mouth and throat felt completely coated with sugar and trans-fats….no sensation of eating donuts anymore, just pure sugar. Chills, sweats, gags–even water wasn’t helping. People were sitting in the parking lot staring blankly into space, sugary drool running down their chins….I knew if I sat down I wasn’t gonna be getting back up, so I paced back and forth, shaking, pecking at my donuts bit by bit until they were gone. Holy shit, I did it. Now I get to run two, no, 2.25 miles back. Great

Miles 3 & 4 9:08 and 9:11. Actually not as bad as I imagined they might be, and I was happy to be doing anything but eating donuts. I never want to see a Krispy Kreme…..for at least a week or two, anyhow. Most folks were quietly walking back at this point, and oh yeah, that downhill at the beginning is now an uphill. Excellent! Finally the bell tower came into view and I kicked it up just a tad for the final stretch.

Total time: 1:05 :35. Fuckin’ pathetic. Way off my goal time of 45 minutes and not even under the 1 hour required to officially complete the challenge. Oh well, I did it, I ran well and I got a t-shirt AND a paper Krispy Kreme hat, which I’ll proudly wear to work tonite…

Who knows if I could’ve trained and done better with the donuts, but I’m not about to try to find out anytime soon. I just don’t have the capacity for that much sugar….my Dad was a fuckin’ diabetic, remember….

Now, if there was a Pizza challenge or White Castle Challenge, or Shrimp Cocktail challenge, I would kick some SERIOUS ass!!!!!! You know that.

OK, I’m taking it easy tomorrow and I’ll post my marathon strategy tomorrow, training starts Monday!!! Yeah.

Mmmmmmm……..donuts!